They're Made out of Meat
By Terry Bisson

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"They're made out of meat."

"Meat?"

"Meat. They're made out of meat."

"Meat?"

"There's no doubt about it. We picked up several from different parts of the planet, took them aboard our recon vessels, and probed them all the way through. They're completely meat."

"That's impossible. What about the radio signals? The messages to the stars?"

"They use the radio waves to talk, but the signals don't come from them. The signals come from machines."

"So who made the machines? That's who we want to contact."

"They made the machines. That's what I'm trying to tell you. Meat made the machines."

"That's ridiculous. How can meat make a machine? You're asking me to believe in sentient meat."

"I'm not asking you, I'm telling you. These creatures are the only sentient race in that sector and they're made out of meat."

"Maybe they're like the orfolei. You know, a carbon-based intelligence that goes through a meat stage."

"Nope. They're born meat and they die meat. We studied them for several of their life spans, which didn't take long. Do you have any idea what's the life span of meat?"

"Spare me. Okay, maybe they're only part meat. You know, like the weddilei. A meat head with an electron plasma brain inside."

"Nope. We thought of that, since they do have meat heads, like the weddilei. But I told you, we probed them. They're meat all the way through."

"No brain?"

"Oh, there's a brain all right. It's just that the brain is made out of meat! That's what I've been trying to tell you."

"So ... what does the thinking?"

"You're not understanding, are you? You're refusing to deal with what I'm telling you. The brain does the thinking. The meat."

"Thinking meat! You're asking me to believe in thinking meat!"

"Yes, thinking meat! Conscious meat! Loving meat. Dreaming meat. The meat is the whole deal! Are you beginning to get the picture or do I have to start all over?"

"Omigod. You're serious then. They're made out of meat."

"Thank you. Finally. Yes. They are indeed made out of meat. And they've been trying to get in touch with us for almost a hundred of their years."

"Omigod. So what does this meat have in mind?"

"First it wants to talk to us. Then I imagine it wants to explore the Universe, contact other sentiences, swap ideas and information. The usual."

2

"We're supposed to talk to meat."

"That's the idea. That's the message they're sending out by radio. 'Hello. Anyone out there. Anybody home.' That sort of thing."

"They actually do talk, then. They use words, ideas, concepts?"

"Oh, yes. Except they do it with meat."

"I thought you just told me they used radio."

"They do, but what do you think is on the radio? Meat sounds. You know how when you slap or flap meat, it makes a noise? They talk by flapping their meat at each other. They can even sing by squirting air through their meat."

"Omigod. Singing meat. This is altogether too much. So what do you advise?"

"Officially or unofficially?"

"Both."

"Officially, we are required to contact, welcome and log in any and all sentient races or multibeings in this quadrant of the Universe, without prejudice, fear or favor. Unofficially, I advise that we erase the records and forget the whole thing."

"I was hoping you would say that."

"It seems harsh, but there is a limit. Do we really want to make contact with meat?"

"I agree one hundred percent. What's there to say? 'Hello, meat. How's it going?' But will this work? How many planets are we dealing with here?"

"Just one. They can travel to other planets in special meat containers, but they can't live on them. And being meat, they can only travel through C space. Which limits them to the speed of light and makes the possibility of their ever making contact pretty slim. Infinitesimal, in fact."

"So we just pretend there's no one home in the Universe."

"That's it."

"Cruel. But you said it yourself, who wants to meet meat? And the ones who have been aboard our vessels, the ones you probed? You're sure they won't remember?"

"They'll be considered crackpots if they do. We went into their heads and smoothed out their meat so that we're just a dream to them."

"A dream to meat! How strangely appropriate, that we should be meat's dream."

"And we marked the entire sector unoccupied."

"Good. Agreed, officially and unofficially. Case closed. Any others? Anyone interesting on that side of the galaxy?"

"Yes, a rather shy but sweet hydrogen core cluster intelligence in a class nine star in G445 zone. Was in contact two galactic rotations ago, wants to be friendly again."

"They always come around."

"And why not? Imagine how unbearably, how unutterably cold the Universe would be if one were all alone ..."

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This story originally appeared in Omni April 1991 and was nominated for the Nebula Award.

You are now signed on.

me: Grr. Fiddle-de-dee.

Laura: ho ho ho
whassup

me: I'm stuck at the airport. It is now your duty to entertain me.

Laura: which airport?

me: Phoenix. Portland shut down, so all flights going in are delayed until further notice.

Laura: Yeah i know pdx is shut down
that is lame
so how long are you going to be up there for?

me: till Friday. You planning on coming in this year?

Laura: nope
i usually dont come up til summer

me: 'cause you're the smart one.

Laura: i tried this year. but it is fucking expensive, and the snow and everything.
plus yeah, id rather spend 2 weeks in the summer cool up in portland sometime mid july than swelter in houston.

me: Last night I was doing an email around to get peoples phone numbers. I'm all "Yeah, I'll be in town tomorrow." And they're all writing back "...Uh, you sure about that?"

Laura: hehehe
ive been trying to reach my folks since thursday. They went up to Olympia.
i think they're stuck up there.

me: Damn.
No cell phones?

Laura: Yeah but i forgot my dad's number.
i haven't tried very hard, i know they'll call me and that they're really busy

me: ....or...they're dead.

Laura: nah they aint dead. Someone would have called me.
so anyway, **** is wanting my husband to move to burlington Vermont and work for them.

me: Vermont, eh?

Laura: Yeah

me: Not as cool as denmark, but not bad.

Laura: actually the more i look at it the cooler it seems
you guys might even want to look into it.
the cost of living is kinda high, but it's liberal. and there's lots of outdoor shit to do, and snow.
great arts scene
more rural/remote, every house i've looked at online with a few exceptions sits on half an acre.
hell between october and march you can snowboard in your own backyard.
the pay looks good that they're offering but it's not coming with relo assistance and we're hazy on the benefits.
its also a great place to try and drop off the grid as much as possible, which is something we've been wanting to do.

me: sounds nice and all, but you know me. Big city boy. I needs my 24hr coffee shops with tin ash trays and waitresses named Shaquita.

Laura: would a waitress named Rainbow work?

me: Hm...
"Yo, Rainbow. Top me off!"
Nah. Not the same.

Laura: But yeah, we'd be around Burlington, which is also a college town, so that's nice. And on the lake. And by the mountains. So, Mountains, water, snow, its like Oregon but without the Californians.
and Mexicans, there seems to be a lack of Mexicans that close to the Canadian border.
and if we want to do anything it's like an hour to Montreal.

me: Oooh. Cute chick and her even cuter mom just walked by.
I wonder if they're as bored as I am.

Laura: yes, doc, go hit on a bored christmas traveler.

me: Oh...shit. Hubby/Dad is gigantic.

Laura: hahahah

me: this place sucks.

Laura: where, phoenix?

me: the airport
I miss the 80's, when flight attendants were easy and dressed accordingly.

Laura: you were like 10.
I think you're thinking of the 70's.
in the 80's is when they got all "omg sexual harassment"

me: Not when you're 10.
Then it's more like "Oh, you are adorable. Come sit next to me."

Laura: well ok then
ill give you that

me: Jesus, if I knew then what I know now.

Laura: you'd probably be in prison!

me: No..they would be. HA!

Laura: hahahah
yeah wtf is it with all the teachers sleeping with students?! i don't recall that ever happening, or maybe it did and people are just shittier about hiding it now.

me: Good question.
Lord knows, I would've fucked my 1st and 2nd grade teachers.

Laura: ew mine were all like 40+

me: I think mine were in their thirties. But they were hot.

Laura: my firstgrade teacher kinda looked like Ursula from little mermaid, but she was nice.

me: Besides, I had cable as a kid. I discovered sex by age 7 and was totally on board.

Laura: took another 10 years to get any but hey, you were off to a great start.

me: Again, if i knew then....I should've taken more advantage of my adorableness back then.
Flight attendents, teachers, babysitters...the girl next door, literally.
A single spark of enlightenment would have been all it takes to have turned my entire childhood into a porno. Sending one hot chick to jail after another. The Newspaper would have to come up with a name for me.
And none of them would see me coming, because as a minor, the media wouldn't be allowed to print my name or face.
Shit....there's a movie in this, I know it.

Laura: we've got a juvenile sex offender down the street. He's not a pedo, he just pissed off his girlfriends dad.

me: yeah that shit is just wrong.
I'm all for a sex offender registry, accept it's too damn easy to get on it.

Laura: actually it's debatable if he even did anything. this 8th grade girl 3 houses away from him got the Clap, and blamed him. Dad had him arrested and took him to court.
this being Texas, her word was good enough and he's had the ankle bracelet and a sign in his yard for the past year.
he's kinda a whitetrash scum bucket anyway, but still, its fucked up.

me: In a few years, it won't even matter.
"I'm required to inform you that I'm a sex offender."
"No shit? Me too. Boy, that saves a lot of time."

Laura: yeah no kidding
there's no "this guy slept with his girlfriend" and "chronic pedo sicko" differentiation.

me: If you get put on the registry, the the person who accused you gets put on the registry later....what happens?

Laura: nothing

me: Lame.
I might as well just go fuck a dog and get it over with.

Laura: make sure you do it with a dead one in view of a daycare for maximum benifit

me: Oh wait...that won't work.
Fucking a dog is Animal Abuse, and NOT a sex crime.

Laura: i thought that guy on Fark was also a sex offender cus of that.

me: what guy?

Laura: that news article on Fark, about the guy doing a dog by the daycare
...no i wasn't making that up.

me: I guess it depends on the state. I met an ADA in L.A. who was prosecuting a guy who fucked a dog.
His neighbor's dog.

Laura: that in and of itself is gross. why would you want to do that to a dog.
plus, dogs have sharp teeth
You never hear about people fucking cats
that's because a cat will leave your dick on the back porch as a present.

me: That's not all.
his defense was that it was consensual.

Laura: HAHAHAHAHAHAH
that is awesome.

me: my reaction as well.

Laura: points for creativity
"the dog was naked and asking for it!"

me: It has to do with the fact that when the guy caught his neighbor fucking his dog, by his own admission, the neighbor "was not restraining" the dog.
In short, the dog must've been cool with it.

Laura: or the dog was used to it.

me: That's what Sam said.

Laura: I'm willing to bet that Sam and I are right
you give a dog treats, they'll pretty much let you do anything.

me: Like most blonds.

Laura: hahah OMG DIAMONDS !!
i hate women.

me: Oooh. And cute little blond just sat down across from me.
She's been wondering back and forth for a while now. I think she's stuck here too.

Laura: well dont let our fascinating conversation about dog fucking keep you from chatting her up

me: I don't know. I could go either way.
What's a good pick-up line for "stranded at the airport."

Laura: "Hey baby, come here often?"

me: I thought of that. Seemed too obvious.

Laura: ask her where she's headed?

me: If she's still here in an hour, then she's definitely going to Portland. Everyone else in this gate has already left.
I can't tell from here if she's a smoker.

Laura: can you sneak a picture

me: No. she's facing right at me.

Laura: lame

me: she's got her laptop up now.

Laura: what kind is it

me: dell
itty bitty one too

Laura: poor thing.

me: okay...getting a better look now...
vaguely resembles britney spears

Laura: ew

me: not in the bad way

Laura: but might be up for a quickie before the flight
any rings?

me: two...each on index finger. I'm good.

Laura: how about religious jewelry
you know, cross necklace and that sort of thing

me: didn't see. laptop screen is covering her neck now.
okay...she keeps looking at her screen and frowning.
Now i"m worried she's actually some super-hacker and has just seen our entire conversation.

Laura: hahaha

me: code blue...eject...eject....

Laura: if she is she's a ninja
and therefore awesome

me: So, would that make this paranoia, or a fantasy?

Laura: Hi blond ninja chick, if you can read this go give doc a blowjob. He needs one.

me: Still frowning. So, that's a no.
Oooh. Maybe she's having trouble with the wifi. She can see that I got that shit covered. She can come right over here and ask for my help.

Laura: heyyyy there you go
ask her if she's having trouble connecting

me: Aaaand....she's putting the laptop away.

Laura: either she couldn't connect or she saw the weather report.
thats my take

me: Okay...she does keep looking over at me. How do I tell the difference between distance flirting and the blank stare of a borderline retard?

Laura: well you're also sitting across from her

me: What are you getting at?

Laura: try to make eye contact

me: oh no.....I don't do that.

Laura: sissy

me: it's an issue.

Laura: i know you have more issues than national geographic
it's what makes you doc

me: Aaaand there she goes.
She's gone.
I'm a wanker.
I'm never getting laid again...ever.

Laura: she'll be back

me: Weird . She circled around and made sure to sneak up behind me on her way out.
I think she wanted to see what I was doing...looking up at her and typing all the time.
She's calling security right now, I bet.

Laura: she's probably like "dude this guy is typing and looking at me, should I talk to him?"
then she hacked into your computer, looked at your porn, stole some of it, and is now wandering around trying to look inconspicuous in case you noticed.

me: Dude that would be fucking hot.
Blond: "I don't know how to tell you this, but when we first met, I stole your porn."
Doc: "Uh...which one."
Blond: "Japanese Schoolgirls In Heat."
Doc: [ahem]"Will you marry me?"

Laura: you totally need to get a job at a small computer repair shop. Seriously.
single women come in ALL DAY LONG, most of them hot, all of them with money and jobs, you fix their problems, become their hero and they love you for it. And as an added benefit, you get access to everyone's porn and amass a huge collection
at least, that's how it is at my job.
i know, because being the only female, I tend to get stuck with the old people, and men.
cus those assholes i work with practically jump through windows to talk to the hotties.

me: I really really doubt that a single hot woman with a job would seriously see a hero in her tech support guy. At least, no further than necessary to get the boobie discount.

Laura: not being a greasy overweight social reject that gets overly excited when discussing elves really gives you the upper hand.

me: I need a smoke.
Lucky for me, AZ airport has has a smoking section on this side of security.

Laura: nice
where is she now anyway?

me: bailed. On down the tarmac.
Lost sight of her.
got distracted by the tits that were walking toward me
I'm in a really good spot.
I want to go smoke, but I don't want to give up this table.

Laura: oh ffs, you had the perfect opportunity there
you could have asked her to save your spot while you went and smoked
that would have opened the communication

me: ffs?

Laura: "For Fucks Sake"

me: Ah...I thought you misspelled "Pfft."

Laura: that would work as well
remember that one though, i think there are more than one hot chick stuck in phoenix.

me: Okay, we all know I'm not good at this.

Laura: dude i've known you how long?
yeah.
ok then.

me: alright...fuckit. cigarette time.
gotta unplug and shut down.
you plan on sticking around?

Laura: cya. I'll be around today. i finished my christmas shit and don't want to leave the house unless I have to.

me: good plan.
maybe I'll meet some hot chick in the smoking lot.

Laura: there you go. And then go get laid in the "family" bathroom.

me: Yeah! I just noticed that. What the fuck is with calling it a "family bathroom"

Laura: its a family bathroom so people can take their children of the opposite sex into the restroom without fear of pedos taking them
also for breast feeding.
cus that's DIRTY or something.

me: that should be a given. Why the need to give it a special name?
and why are breastfeeding women being banished to the toilet?

Laura: cus people are prude

me: THIS IS INSANITY!!!

Laura: i refused to feed my kids in the bathroom, would YOU want to eat in the bathroom?

me: okay...really need that smoke now.
b'bye

Laura: buh bye

You have signed out.

I've always wondered what it would be like to date a blind girl. Truth be told, I've never even met a blind girl. And if I did, she'd probably still turn me down. Unless, that is, she had a thing for Christian Slater. I'm told I sound like Christian Slater when I talk. I don't get it, but people keep pointing it out. So, I guess I'm wondering what it would be like to date a blind girl who thinks I'm Christian Slater.

Hm, I should probably never be left alone.

"The primary objective of copyright is not to reward the labor of authors, but [t]o promote the Progress of Science and useful Arts...To this end, copyright assures authors the right to their original expression, but encourages others to build freely upon the ideas and information conveyed by a work. This result is neither unfair nor unfortunate. It is the means by which copyright advances the progress of science and art."

-- US Supreme Court Justice Sandra Day O'Connor

I always liked her.

Uhg. I've been stuck in the airport for five hours now, and still no word on when I'll be able to leave. Not to mention, when I do leave, will it be on my flight, or back out into the streets.

Has anyone ever hooked up in an airport? It seems to me, the massive boredom associated with layovers and delays are ripe for the opportunity of casual hookups. But I've never heard so much as a passing anecdote. Mile-High Club members always do so with a Significant Other, and never ever anything in the airport itself.

I find it shocking that I've never even heard so much as a bullshit story. It's never even occurred to anyone to lie to me about it.

One would think, I suppose, that the attitude toward security in an airport (even before 9/11) probably contributes to the lack of Layover lays. However, if my high school days had taught me anything, it was that people have the ability to spontaneously gain the powers of a Master Ninja, if sex is at stake.

How does one break the ice at an airport?

"Come here often?"

"Can I buy you a very, very small drink?"

"That's some nice luggage you got there. They'd look even better in a big pile on my bedroom floor."

"Ever heard of the Mile-Wide Club?"

"My flight's been delayed. Wanna fuck?"

Yep...I am that bored.